This month, Patty Kikos interviews Jessica Dallish, who shares her experience of growing up as a Young Carer, along with the challenges she navigated and the ways she transcended them. Jess is now a passionate Young Carer Coordinator for Carer Gateway, and curates amazing experiences for Young Carers to feel less isolated, as well as opportunities for them to be qualified in trainings that will assist them in the workplace.
Patty:
So Jess, is there anything you know now, that you wish you had known when you were a young carer yourself, particularly in your most challenging moments?
Jess:
So many things, so for me I would have to say that it would involve knowing that your caring role is not who you are.
I personally felt growing up, and again I hear so often from my young carers, how easy it is to feel that your caring role consumes you, and that the needs of the person you're caring for, can often feel more important than your own.
I think it's so insanely important for all of our carers, and in particular young carers, to know that there's so much more to life than just being a carer and that even though a caring role can be something that demands a lot of time and effort and attention, it isn't your defining characteristic - so you're this whole human outside of the person that you care for.
And you are capable of so many incredible things.
I think it's really critical for carers to try to prioritise investing in themselves as much as they focus on the care recipient, just so that they don't feel consumed by the caring role.
Whether that's making small pockets of time where you can step out of the caring role completely and do something for yourself, or even if it's setting boundaries with the care recipient, where you start to learn how to say no in some situations, just to put your own needs 1st.
So, if I could tell my young carer self, anything, it’s that you are far more important than just your caring role, and that your own needs are as equally as important as the person next to you.
Billy:
From the Carer Gateway at the Benevolent Society, we welcome you to, Carer Conversations with your host Patty Kikos.
The Care Gateway is the Australian Government national care hub and provides reliable services, support and advice especially for carers.
This podcast is where we share interviews with guests that have specialized knowledge to help support carers to look after their emotional, mental and physical well-being.
We are recording on Aboriginal country, on lands which were never ceded. We acknowledge the traditional custodians and cultural knowledge holders of these lands and waters. We pay our respects to Aboriginal elders, past and present.
Always was, always will be.
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Patty:
Hello and welcome back everybody.
Here at Carer Conversations, we have spoken a lot about carers, but we've never shared the journey of what it means to be a Young Carer.
Many Young Carers much like their older counterparts, find themselves inheriting this role, and often don't even realise that it's more than just being part of a family.
In fact, it's something very specific and many times, is accompanied with a great sense of responsibility that other adolescents and other young adults don't necessarily have to contend with.
Today I'm going to be speaking to someone that will share about what defines a young carer and will also share a little about her own personal journey.
Jessica Dallish has a degree in criminology and criminal justice from the University of NSW and a range of professional experience in administration and hospitality. In her spare time, Jess enjoys rock climbing, trying her hand at pottery, and is a huge lover of all thing's coffee.
Within Carer Gateway, she has worked as a client support partner and has also stepped into the role of Young Carer Coordinator.
This is a role that is actually perfect for Jess, as not only was she a young carer herself, but she also attended many events for young carers at the time and found this to be incredibly valuable. Her authentic lived experience is part of the passion that fuels her drive to curate amazing opportunities for other Young Carers.
Jess hello, welcome!
Jess:
Hi Patty, thanks for having me.
Patty:
Ohh thanks for being here. I've got so many questions about young carers for you but before I start, I'm wondering if I could ask you a little about your personal journey of being a young carer.
Jess:
Of course, so I was a Young Carer growing up as my older brother had a number of mental health concerns including depression, anxiety, OCD, dissociative Identity Disorder (also known as DID) and a neurodevelopmental disorder which influenced him falling under the influence of a drug and alcohol addiction.
That meant that I picked up a lot of extra responsibility within the family from a much younger age including helping out at home with way more of the housework plus providing extra emotional, financial support and more compared to the average person my age.
So, I really understand the impacts that a caring role can have not only on a family but also on each individual involved which means that my job is a lot more than just a job for me.
I even started attending Young Carer activities myself when I was around 12 or 13 years old and so that meant I got to connect with other people my age who actually understood what I was going through and had similar situations. It was just a really safe space where I got to meet some seriously incredible people and do some fun things that gave me a break from all those extra responsibilities at home.
Patty:
Jess, I've worked with you for a year and I didn't know any of that.
I'm grateful for your generosity in sharing this so publicly in order to inspire our podcast listeners. Thank you so much.
Now every young carer has a unique experience in their role. What were your biggest challenges that you faced?
Jess:
Yeah, so like you mentioned, every single young carer has a different and unique experience, so the challenges that I faced may not necessarily be the same that someone in a similar caring role could be met with.
I personally found that my biggest challenge was juggling the caring role with all the other aspects of everyday life, especially when it came to studies and work.
So for me there were a few years from high school to university where I was studying full time working, sometimes multiple jobs and all while just trying to manage the extra responsibilities that I was picking up at home.
So as you can imagine, time management was a huge struggle and something that took a lot of practice to get good at there would definitely days where I would be trying to handle being in the middle of exams and having to try to get to work, but all while really just worrying about what was going on at home.
And that can be really overwhelming for someone to judge. People often overlook the responsibilities Young Carers manage every day and sometimes it can be really hard to even spot if someone has a caring role back at home.
Patty:
I can imagine, I wonder if this is one of the reasons that you're so efficient in your role now and I know that being well organised and having great time management is really important to you.
Jess:
Yeah, definitely.
And one of my young cares was recently telling me about facing similar struggles, so they're the primary care of their mother who has an anxiety disorder, and she also has mobility issues, so is wheelchair dependent.
So the young carer studies full time and also has a casual job which they need to support the family financially.
The young carer often feels like they need to help their mum with everyday things like running errands or attending medical appointments, but their workplace and their university aren't always understanding which can be really stressful for them.
So the biggest challenge that I faced and one that I definitely still hear about being prevalent, is the juggle that is the caring role with everyday life.
Patty:
Yeah I definitely agree with that.
We have an entire department that is dedicated to Young Carer events at Carer Gateway, but before we delve into that, can you define what a young carer actually is?
Jess:
Yeah, so we basically define a young carer as someone who's under the age of 25 who could have a caring role for a family member or even a friend that may have a disability, medical conditions, mental illness, or who could be frail due to age. This could include the young person providing physical support, emotional support or even financial support.
And this can look different for everyone, so sometimes they provide support daily or weekly, so long as they provide care on a regular basis.
The young carer may also even be an alternate carer and Carer Gateway, support in particular is not limited to just the primary carer within the household.
So even if the Young Carer lives at home with the parent that is the Primary Carer, the Young Carer may still be eligible to access our support.
Patty:
So, truth be told your job is possibly one of the most envied ones at Carer Gateway, as we get to hear about the incredible activities that you participate in.
But aside from attending these workshops and events, what does your role as a Young Carer Coordinator actually entail?
Jess:
Yeah, so I'm gonna be honest. I am like insanely lucky. My job is one that is so insanely fulfilling and.
Patty:
We all get FOMO, don't we?
Jess:
Honestly, I sometimes can't believe that I get to wake up and do what I get to do everyday.
And especially alongside the most incredible people in our team and all these insanely inspiring carers, so a huge part of my role every day as a Young Carer Coordinator involves just a lot of planning. So that includes organising all of the upcoming activities and events we have for the Young Carers, while also managing their individual clients.
This could include organising personal support, so on an average day this means managing the packages they access. So, for example, arranging care workers that come to the house and offer respite within home support, it could be scheduling tutoring sessions to help the Young Carer with their studies or organising driving lessons for the young person. Or coordinating material goods purchases for the young carer and even more.
It basically revolves around working with the Young Carer on finding out what individual support they need and then tailoring our services for them specifically so that they get the most benefit.
So really, my job is based on just heaps of communication and organisation.
Patty:
So Jess, is there anything you know now, that you wish you had known when you were a young carer yourself, particularly in your most challenging moments?
Jess:
So many things, so for me I would have to say that it would involve knowing that your caring role is not who you are.
I personally felt growing up, and again I hear so often from my young carers, how easy it is to feel that your caring role consumes you, and that the needs of the person you're caring for, can often feel more important than your own.
I think it's so insanely important for all of our carers, and in particular young carers, to know that there's so much more to life than just being a carer and that even though a caring role can be something that demands a lot of time and effort and attention, it isn't your defining characteristic - so you're this whole human outside of the person that you care for.
And you are capable of so many incredible things.
I think it's really critical for carers to try to prioritise investing in themselves as much as they focus on the care recipient, just so that they don't feel consumed by the caring role.
Whether that's making small pockets of time where you can step out of the caring role completely and do something for yourself, or even if it's setting boundaries with the care recipient, where you start to learn how to say no in some situations, just to put your own needs 1st.
So, if I could tell my young carer self, anything, it’s that you are far more important than just your caring role, and that your own needs are as equally as important as the person next to you.
Patty:
That's amazing advice, and I feel that as Carers or even Young Carers we need to hear this repeatedly.
Do you feel that as a Young Carer that had a sibling with special needs you somehow sometimes had to work extra hard to be seen or validated, or to even get the attention that you needed at the time?
Jess:
Ohhh my gosh yes yeah and it's something that in all honesty I still feel like I'm coming to terms with even to this day.
Patty:
I appreciate your honesty.
Jess:
So it can be so easy for Young Carers in family situations to just feel like a lesser priority or as though they're excluded at times, especially when it comes to families where their sibling, the care recipient, so particularly in my case, as I was super independent growing up and quite mature from a younger age, so that meant that there was always the view that I could manage things in my own, whereas my brother needed that extra help.
Patty:
Yeah, loved ones that need care or care recipients can take up a lot of space, and even when we are independent, we don't always know how to ask for that help, even if it's occasionally. Isn't that right?
Jess:
Exactly, and even in situations where the young person could be caring for a parent or grandparent, it can be so easy to feel that role reversal where they may naturally be looking after their elders and then feel that they've missed out on some of their aspects of their childhood, or they aren't getting that attention that they should be. Which is why I really resonate when I care and say they feel unseen and also why, I just think it's so important that young carers know that their needs being met are just as vital.
Patty:
Yeah, that's why you're perfect for this role.
And tell me what are some of the adventures that you get up to and what are the reasons behind why you choose certain workshops specifically?
Jess:
Yeah, so we are constantly organising activities for our young carers. We try to focus on teaching them valuable skills so we aim for them to learn things like:
Resilience, teamwork, problem solving, all while trying to connect them with other Young Carers in similar situations so that people understand what their experience.
We organise educational or employment support, so for example this last year we have arranged workshops like resume writing sessions, mindfulness workshops, first aid courses, barista courses, RSA, RCG classes and more, all with the aim of providing educational and employment support for the young carer long term.
We also focus on offering respite opportunities to give the young carers a break from their caring role so that they can experience some fun activities they might not otherwise get the chance to enjoy.
Some of the things we've got up to in the last year alone include the Easter Show, Luna Park Pottery, Horse riding, quad biking, laser skirmish, scape rooms, even school holiday camps, and that's just to name a few in the next few weeks, we've even got indoor skydiving and raging waters towards the end of the year.
Patty:
This is why we all envy your job role Jess. It's great that you're running events and courses that not only give Young Carers the specific qualifications, like the first aid or the RSA courses, but are also teaching them how to create a resume but also essential life skills like building resilience and confidence through quad biking or abseiling.
Jess, did you feel that you had less in common with your peers because they weren't necessarily young carers themselves?
Jess:
So, I remember so many periods of time feeling isolated, growing up, and especially feeling like no one my age really understood my situation.
I definitely was really fortunate with the amazing people I had around me that I could talk to, but that also doesn't necessarily mean that they understood.
Patty:
Sure, because they didn't have the context of the lived experience like you did, right?
Jess:
Exactly so I had some really incredible teachers in my school that shaped who I am today and friends who opened up their homes and their hearts when they needed it.
And I honestly don't know where I would be today without them, but as a young carer you can commonly be faced with reactions of sympathy rather than empathy when discussing your caring role.
So for me personally I never wanted people to feel bad for me, but I simply wanted others to understand.
Patty:
And that's the space that you hold for Young Carers, isn't it?
Jess:
I hope so! Often when you share your caring role with people they don't know how to react, especially if they haven't come across something similar before.
Which is why I think it's so important that we continue to work on raising awareness for Young Carers so that they know that they're not alone and that they're aware of the spaces out there that they connect. Connect to those who understand.
Patty:
So, if you had a piece of advice for someone who is struggling in life, and certainly with their responsibilities as a young carer, what would you share with them?
Jess:
I think it would have to be that you are the motivator of your own change, so if there's something in your life, especially in your caring role, responsibilities that you're struggling with, take a step back and genuinely reflect on what can be done to change the issue.
Is there anything that you can do to help address the problem so that it's less of a challenge?
Are there any changes that you can make so that you feel less overwhelmed? What can you do to try and help fix the situation and what are the steps that you need to take to get there?
Patty:
Is part of what you're saying, that it's important to know what is in your circle of control versus what is not in your control?
Jess:
Yes, exactly so if you feel stuck and if you don't know where to start, there's always people around to help.
Whether it's a friend or a family member that you genuinely trust, or even if it's a service that you feel comfortable reaching out to like, the Gateway. I know that it's a total cliche, and it's been said probably a million times, but things will also get better.
Patty:
You know Jess. Speaking of your amazing time management and attention to detail, a lot of your work is actually on weekends and week nights. How do you find a family and work life balance without losing your sanity and feeling burnt out?
Jess:
So I'm not gonna lie, I'm still working on figuring this one out, so I still definitely have periods of times where I feel burnt out and or as if I'm not managing things as well as I possibly could be.
But when I do, I try to remind myself that I'm only human, and then I try to focus on re shifting my priorities.
So for me that means that even if I'm exhausted because of a particularly busy period at work, I try to then focus on the people that my work is supporting or remind myself what I accomplished that day, or if I've had a long day and have to go run errands, I remind myself how lucky I am to have my partner to do them alongside me.
Or I throw on some music and I try to make them as fun as they can, so it's all really about trying to change the way you look at things and knowing when you need to take a break.
Patty:
Yeah, 100%! So I'm going to do some rapid fire wrap up questions with you and I'm going to start off with this one. Are you ready?
Jess:
Soo ready!
Patty:
Yeah, OK, do you think your 12-year-old self would think that you were really cool right now?
Jess:
I really like to think that she would, so I like to think that 12-year-old Jess would be proud of me and how far I have come and how much I've achieved and really the values that I try to stand by. So, my goal growing up was always to be the sort of woman in the future that younger me could have looked up to and that she would have been able to ask for help if she needed it.
Patty:
Yeah, and you've achieved it and you're still so young now! Jess, do you have a bucket list?
Jess:
Heck yes, and I review it constantly.
So pretty much every single year in January, I fully reassess it. I cross off all the things I've done in the last 12 months, and I add new things that I hadn't even realised that I wanted to do before.
I think it's so important to constantly try new things and just keep learning.
Patty:
Yeah, I love that about you. It's very inspiring. Next question. Salty or sweet?
Jess:
Salty all the way, no question so literally anyone who knows me well knows that I am completely obsessed with all salty things. So if it's salt when you get flavored, or if it's putting like a ridiculous amount of salt all my food and also pickles. Yeah, I totally love anything pickled.
Patty:
How can you have a hamburger without pickles?
Jess:
You can't! And I even pickle my own foods. So like cucumbers, carrots, tomatoes, all of it. My tomato pickle recipe is even passed down from generations in my family.
Patty:
Ohh wow OK, I've got one for you because I know we both love swimming.. Cannonball into the pool or a dip a toe in first kind of a gal?
Jess?
Oh, I am definitely a dip a toe in first kind of girly yes.
Patty:
No! I would have thought it was the opposite!
Jess:
I know I always have been and I'm think I'm always gonna be.
Patty:
Ohh wow OK, what was your last Google search?
Jess:
Randomly enough, it is a recipe to make garlic herb butter, so I've been trying to perfect making a fresh loaf of sourdough and butter from scratch, but still working on it.
Patty:
Oh, that's amazing, Jess. You are very inspirational. Thank you for joining us today.
Jess:
Thank you for having me. It's been such a pleasure.
Patty:
Anytime I might even get you to come back.. You never know!
Vladimir Lenin was a Russian revolutionary. He was also a politician, and he's well known for a quote that I find to be quite apt when describing the life of a carer, especially a Young Carer. Their experiences will not only make them grow up quicker than their counterparts, but they will also learn about important responsibilities sooner than the rest of us. The quote that I'm referring to is:
“There are decades where nothing happens, and then there are weeks where decades happen.”
Our caring roles are a rite of passage that teach us much about life in a very short amount of time.
If you found Jesse's interview to be inspiring, it would help us to share it with other Young Carers if you subscribed and gave us a 5 star review until we cross paths again. Take really good care of yourself.
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Billy:
If you are caring for a relative or a friend who has a disability, a mental health condition, a life limiting health or medical condition.
Or they are frail because they're getting older. Please contact us at Carer Gateway on 1800 422 737, or look us up on www.carergateway.gov.au
And if you are a carer, you're allowed to take time to look after yourself. You are just as important as the person you take care of.